Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
