You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
oh god was she eating orange peels again
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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