watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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