these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
