my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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