Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Randomize
