Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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