Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I think scott just propositioned me for sex
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
