I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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