I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
