I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
