Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
our cab driver is having phone sex.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Randomize
