You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
