saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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