she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Randomize
