I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
God I need to hump something, right now.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
