i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
