Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
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