you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Randomize
