Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
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