i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Randomize
