remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
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