how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
