I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
