Honestly there's alot of things I'm confused about the only thing I know for certain about last night is that I ate pizza
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
