She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
