There was a point where some of my friends attempted 'moi's', which stands for makeout on introduction.
It involved going up to women and very aggressively trying to make out with them upon meeting them
Surprisingly the success rate was exceedingly high
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I'm getting married
To pizza
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
