apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Randomize
