oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
