My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
