I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Randomize
