She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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