sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
