Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
