just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Randomize
