I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Randomize
