Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Randomize
