Just fell off a train. Bad.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Randomize
