You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize