The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize