Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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