U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
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