Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
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