I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
