No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I love you. Go after that dick
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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