fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
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