I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize