Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
