i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
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