someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
Randomize
