I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
