dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
Randomize
