I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize