Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Randomize
