I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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