he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
