OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize