I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
